Motivation, where art thou?

I wish I understood motivation. I wish I understood where it went. I wish I understood how to generate it.

While chatting with a friend this morning about how long it’s been since I did any archery, I worked out that it was just over 9 months ago, in late September 2008. The same evening that I screwed up my arm.

Truth be told, the main reason I’ve not shot since then is fear of repeating that excruciating pain, and the long, slow physiotherapy process required to simply have a normal arm again. As mentioned in my New Year post, I think compound might be an option, and I’m planning on trying one out tomorrow. More to follow on this.

I then looked at the time I blogged about archery prior to that date and it was October 2007 — back when I was going to the gym 3 times a week, running 3 times a week, and doing archery 2 times a week. I was a calorie-burning and weight-loss machine, burning 3,000-4,000 calories a week on exercise alone, who was spending most of his spare time being active. I’d dropped from 118kg to 106kg and felt fantastic, culminating in the 5km Santa’s fun run.

Now 21 months on I’m worse off and heavier than I was back then, simply because I’ve lost the motivation to just get out there and do it. My running shoes are constantly calling out to me, my pushbike eyes me malevolently whenever I’m in the garage, and my bank statement proudly displays my wasted monthly gym payment, so I know I need to get back into the groove.

I know it’ll happen eventually — it’s how I’m wired. I just wish I knew why motivation ebbs and flows like this.

Back to the gym… again!

Today was my first visit to the gym in… some time. In fact, I’ve not been at all this year — and we’re 1/3 of the way through it! My weight has started to climb back up, stairs and hills are interesting again, I’m becoming noticeably lethargic, and yet I’m finding it difficult to sleep properly and to get up in the mornings. There are no valid excuses, merely a list of reasons that begin with me first not being able to go due to injury, enjoying the spare time a little too much, then falling out of the exercise habit and even forgetting to go, and then trying to regain the motivation to get past the embarrassment and gain the willpower to actually get back into the routine.

It’s awful to be back at square one again, knowing that all — or most — of the progress I’ve made in the past has gone again. Still, the irritating optimist I try to hide behind a mask of faux-pessimism knows that I’ve done it once before, so I can do it again.

So today I met Tarkwin at the leisure centre, where we both discovered that the planned gym extension has now been completed, and found ourselves standing in what felt like a proper commercial gym. A strange feeling for a council facility, which my experiences have shown are usually grubby, run-down and provide well-loved wobbly machines. It was unexpectedly encouraging.

Surprisingly, my exercise card was still in the rack, yet Tarkwin’s wasn’t. The staff put a sticker on the card every 2-3 months to ask you to book a Re-Focus (a reassessment to you and me) and if, after a month, you haven’t booked it they remove your card to free up space in the card rack for members who attend — or so the theory goes. I ripped my sticker off late last year as I hadn’t been going often at that point, and the “torn sticker” look seems to get the hint across.

I did most of the scheduled workout, with the exception of the dip/pullup machine and rower, and kept all the intensities at the lowest of the sliding scale and found that, although it was hard work, I managed it without killing myself or feeling bad afterwards. Very pleased indeed — and lifted some of the despair I had at having let myself go (yet) again. Again. Again.

Looking forward to Wednesday’s visit, and plan to get out either for a walk, jog or cycle tomorrow if they weather’s nice. The shoes and Forerunner need a dust-off, and the bike just needs a once-over and the tyres to be pumped up. Providing there’s sunshine, there’s no reason why I shouldn’t be able to get out at start on the road to increased fitness again.

Then I’ll come back and watch the London Marathon and dream of entering it someday. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t be able to do it, but I expect I’ll have done the Reading Half Marathon before then as part of the lead up to it, and a lot of 5K (such as the Santa’s Fun Run) before that.

One step at a time…

Walk around the block

It’s not supposed to be noteworthy, but I went for a walk when I got home from work this evening, determined to start being active again after such a long period of almost total inactivity, and partly inspired by Nik and Dan of the excellent 4 Feet Running podcast in their 2008 wrap-up episode.

The plan was to use the Nike+ to time a 30 minute walk and wear the Garmin Forerunner, as I haven’t used it in so long, and simply walk out along the valley floor for 15 minutes (or as long as my back could stand) and walk back again. In my now-ingrained habit of sabotaging myself — thought of course I see it as pushing myself a little harder, as I feel like a big jessie all the time — and instead turned up the road that would lead to the ~1.7 mile loop with hills (long medium incline, short steep incline, another medium incline, and ends with a long steep decline).

Halfway up the first incline I realised that my calves were going to give me trouble. By the time I reached the steep incline I was paying quite a bit of attention to my walking to attempt to minimise calf muscle effort, flapping feet and general pain. It didn’t get much worse as I took it slowly from there.

The downhill part of the walk was fine as it gave the affected part of the calves a rest, though my back began to ache mildly. It wasn’t particularly bad, though I thought it interesting. It worked out to 1.8 miles in 36 minutes (a 19:41 pace).

An hour later both the calves and back are mostly back to normal, so I’ve not stressed or strained anything. Not sure I’ll be doing the hill route anytime soon, instead I’ll stick to the flat route as originally planned, but it’s still encouraging to see I can get out and walk again.

So you see what I mean by a walk that shouldn’t be noteworthy, but was for me. Oh, the joy…

Short walk & Weight To Go

I went for a half mile walk this lunchtime, as it was time for a haircut and it was as good an excuse as any to see how my back was progressing, and was pleasantly surprised to be able to do it without too many negative effects. If I kept my stride length short and kept relaxed, there were very few spasms in my lower back (it feels just like it’s the coccyx that’s been damaged). While it shows I’m not back to normal yet, it’s encouraging that I’m getting noticeably better, and am going to use today’s small success as a catalyst to range further daily (subject to weather) over the next week or so. It’s tough knowing when to rein yourself in: either you go all out and end up back at square one, or you get over-cautious and stay indoors for the next 6 months.

While at a night school class last night that I’ve just started, I heard one of the ladies talking about a weight loss programme she’s been on since September/October on the recommendation of her doctor, and she says she’s lost 3 stones (19kg) in just over 3 months. Apparently she achieved this success while doing Weight To Go, a programme that has been trialled and is now partnered and recommended by the UK’s National Health Service, with some Primary Care Trusts (PCTs) offering it as either subsidised or free to patients. The main NHS website isn’t much help (not the best search engine) and, as the NHS is quite distributed, a Google search returns quite a few hits.

The Weight To Go website seems a little high on testimonial and anecdotal content for my skeptical mind, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s ineffective or has a catch. The programme is a total food replacement system that provides all the food you’ll need (except for drinks, fresh fruit and vegetables). By providing almost all the food that you put into your mouth, it’s a nutritionally-balanced calorie-controlled diet; as opposed to most dieting systems that reduce your calories while taking no consideration of nutritional balance.

I tried out a similar commercial programme in Australia shortly before I moved to the UK (while I was at my heaviest of 126kg) — though that was all individually package-per-meal fresh food kept in a foam coolbox until it reached your door — and it was working, but I moved to the UK (which had no similar programmes) before I could see major benefits. It’s this past experience, my classmate’s personal experience and the link with NHS recommendation that have me very interested in this new programme. This morning I rang my local GP’s office to ask whether they know about or recommend the programme, and I’m awaiting a callback. At £55 per 7-day package, it’s worth asking the question.

The only remaining factor is what to do once one has achieved an acceptable weight, which is where 99% of dieting systems let you down. My plan is to have integrated regular sport and physical activity into my life to naturally consume what should, by then, become a natural, normal pattern of eating: food content and portion size, both of which let me down, along with regular activity. Everyone knows that if the calories used (out) exceed the calories consumed (in) you will lose weight — it’s achieving this consistently, on a daily basis, that is the challenge.

Back… well, yes it is!

It’s been 4 days since I hurt my back and, while it has been painful (and worrying, if I’m honest) at points, I can tell it is definitely improving. I woke this morning in that post-chronic-pain fluffy cloud feeling of no awareness of pain at all, at least until I moved. It was a similar feeling to what I had with my shoulder & arm recently (and still do, albeit very mildly) and my duodenal stomach issues a year or so before that. I’m sitting here at my computer on my new — and remarkably comfortable — Markus chair from IKEA, and am able to do so without pain if I sit right

Back injuries suck, as statistics show most of you already know. Still, not much longer now and I’ll be right as rain. The body certainly has excellent healing properties, and I’ve just been resting it whenever I can and only taking paracetamol and NSAIDs whenever it becomes too much, whether due to the occasional spasm or work requirements. My manager kindly let me work from home on Monday and Tuesday, but I’ve been making the (grimacing) effort for the rest of the week — seems only fair, especially as I did this injury on the last day of almost 2 weeks holidays!

Very much looking forward to even being able to go for walks again. They’re not really feasible at the moment, but I know they will be soon enough.

I’ve also taken the opportunity and used the New Year as an excuse to change the layout of the blog. I hope you like it!

New Year and all that…

It’s with the usual sense of shock that I realise I haven’t updated this blog in some time. It’s not entirely surprising as since my last post I’ve only made it to the gym 2-3 times, walked 3-4 times, and have done no running or cycling. Some of this has been due to a new business venture I’m putting together, which has been consuming all my recreational time, including my exercise time, but essentially it’s poor time management and some misplaced priorities. What’s worse is that I’ve put even more weight on: I’m back over 120kg. In all, it’s abysmal.

Conversely, Tarkwin has been making great strides in his physical health plan. He’s almost down to my minimum from last year and is looking worlds better for it. People may seem — or say they are — happy when fat and overweight, but the physical, emotional and hormonal benefits of slimming down are undeniable. You don’t have to be the ridiculous “ideal weight” than the BMI fantasy encourages, but somewhere in the broader Overweight category is worlds better than Obese (or higher).

With my return to work this week, after a lovely break over Christmas and the New Year (happy new year, all!), I plan to resume my exercising. As might be expected, already there has been a speedbump in that plan as yesterday I managed to hurt my lower back whilst carrying stuff downstairs into the garage and slipping on the icy steps. Not ideal, but I know it’s just a speedbump. I’ll be careful with it and start out easy.

My shoulder is still not completely healed, as evidenced whenever I happen to sneeze. It’s making me think that I may never be able to resume recurve or traditional archery. I might be able to do compound archery (referred to as The Dark Side because it’s as far from conventional archery as it’s possible to be), but even that’s not certain right now. Besides, I feel that I need to regain my core strength and basic core fitness before I consider it.

Fortunately (for me) it’s the middle of winter, so nobody in their right mind is riding a motorcycle with any regularity. While this means my riding skills are going rusty (I find that even a week without driving a car makes my driving feel uncoordinated for a short time), it does mean I’m not tempted to try out a ride on the bike. The sore back also puts paid to this for now. I suspect I’ll need to think about a more upright bike soon enough, especially if the shoulder continues as it has. The original plan was for a touring bike anyway, so now maybe it’ll become a necessity. Still, we’ll see once the sun rediscovers the northern hemisphere.

I’ve also made the decision to completely give up fullbore target rifle. It’s not just because of the bad experience I had with my previous club, but also because the government and the MOD (as owners of the ranges most people shoot on) keeps adding more and more hurdles and requirements to clubs and members. As it’s not something I’m prepared to invest time in to become a competitive shooter, I may as well accept that it’s more effort than it’s worth and be shot of the increasingly wearisome responsibility of having a sniper rifle in my house. Increasing bureaucracy seems to be a sure-fire way of discouraging me from anything…

So there we have it. I’ve let myself go and am feeling physically and mentally bad for it (this is different from the “how could I have let this happen?” guilt/disgust, which also exists) and I’m full of good intentions and a plan to rectify it. Time to strap up my rustbucket of a body and rediscover my motivation.

Wish me luck!

Back to the gym & damn these legs

Since my last post I walked every lunchtime religiously for a week – itself causing a mild stir at work (modern culture’s unspeaking requirement for lunch at the desk) – and then in the second week my old friend the compartment syndrome returned. Words did not fail me, but I can’t share them here. (That imaginary 5 year old child…)

This brought a rapid end to my ability to even walk in the interests of health, which is something everyone with legs should be able to do. At my subsequent physio visit Tammy advised that it’s pretty rare for compartment syndrome to strike at sub-10K distances, and is normally reserved for half- and full-marathoners. She says that although the symptoms may appear very similar, in all likelihood it’s probably tight or shortened calf muscles. She gave me some exercises to do – some bear resemblance to those given by the sports therapy clinic I visited a few times in 2007 – and a few more designed to stretch the lateral calf muscles. Oh well, that’s positive – the spectre of possible compartment surgery didn’t sit well with me.

The physio visits have been going very well and I feel that I’m 90% back to normal, though it is clear that the median nerve is not completely healed. Certain actions and movements bring a deep, dull, embedded pain, so I’m continuing the prescribed exercises. I must get this sorted out, as it feels as though the smallest things I try – in order to maintain even a base rate of healthiness – are encountering obstacles. It’s very frustrating.

Tonight was the evening that Tarkwin and I agreed that we’d both start going back to the gym. For various reasons he’s swapped his Tuesday and Thursday gym nights to Wednesdays, and I’ve followed suit as we both benefit from each others’ presence and encouragement. It reduces the visits per week, but it actually works out quite well for me as I intend to resume running (at some point…!), and this will enable me to do that some weekday mornings without the overload that was a feature of my fitness regime this time last year (Tuesdays/Thursdays running AM and gym PM, Saturday gym AM, Sunday running AM, plus whatever else we were doing – archery Mondays/Fridays/Sundays, running club Wednesdays, etc). I was seeing amazing results, but it was just too much and would have led to burnout.

Anyway, tonight’s resumption of gym visits was taken with tentative steps as, frankly, I was terrified I’d somehow aggravate the nerve again. I was careful to avoid everything that required arm movement or weights, and that included setting the hamstermill to use my old programme (walking up and down a hill) rather than the current run/walk. Tonight I did the cross-trainer (holding the fixed handles), hamstermill as above, reclining cycle, leg press, Swiss ball ab crunches, and post-exercise stretching. The treadmill and the stretching woke up the nerves in my arm, but not in a painful way. And I saw it as my body warning me to not push it further, and I was ready to listen.

I wore the Polar S610 HRM and was disappointed with the heart rate indications, peaking at 167bpm with an average of 147bpm over 43 minutes – that was with reduced load and times. Though I guess I shouldn’t be surprised – I’ve not attended the gym with any notable regularity since July.

Anyway, I’ve done it before and I damn well know I can do it again. I’m eating well now – not as good as I should, but I’m getting there – and I have the drive and motivation to sort things out again. I just have to take things easy. It’s not pleasant feeling like a geriatric or invalid at times, but I suppose I’ve nobody to blame but myself: years of neglect. Things could be worse: I do not have diabetes, my asthma is well under control, and I have good general health.

Is my optimism annoying or inspiring? I hope the latter.

Shoulder: second physio visit

Saw the physio again this morning, this time it was at 8am at the doctor’s surgery up the road from home. She was extremely pleased with the progress the shoulder has been making, particularly at the reduction in pain, increase in strength and improved mobility.

Tammy gave me another exercise – that looks similar to a badly-executed ab-crunch – to do along with the other two I’m already doing. Coupled with the “spinal massage” (not sure what to call it), that’s it until next week.

Unfortunately arm-related activities are still a no go, but she’s confident it will be business as usual fairly soon. And she was careful to stress that the longer I wait before resuming normal life, the better my chances of permanent recovery.

First physio visit

Visited the physiotherapist, Tammy, at her home this afternoon to see if we can determine what’s causing my shoulder pain and what can be done to fix it. Being the first visit, I went through my background – mostly a litany of injuries to my back, shoulder, arm, wrist, etc, along with the current problems – what I do both for work and pleasure/fitness, what the doctor had advised/suspected, and so on.

Following that was an exploration of my range of motion, then some specific movements that Tammy said were to examine the median nerve (twisting and push/pull motions of wrist and elbow, and a check of the strength of my arm, wrist and fingers), after which she agreed with the doctor’s assessment: damaged or trapped median nerve. The majority of the pain is on the inside of the left scapula (feels like a jagged stone is wedged between the blade and ribs) with secondary pain in the back-upper arm, and then there’s all sorts of tertiary stuff: light forearm skin numbness, pain radiating down to my elbow joint, occasional shooting pains to my fingertips, and when I’m driving it makes my fingers feel arthritic.

The immediate prognosis was for Tammy to give me some exercises to do, continue as I have been, and to come back next Friday. The exercises are similar to muscle stretches – designed to take me to where the pain starts and then to gently push slightly beyond it. There are two types she’s given me:

• The first is a group of exercises that should be done every hour or so and involve me seated upright with crossed arms. I twist my shoulders and torso to the right as far as I can, then point my head down as far as is comfortable, and return to normal. Then do the same to the left. Then arch my back slightly and left my head back until I’m looking at the ceiling, and return to normal. Then dip my chin forward and roll my head and spine forwards. The head back is instant sharp pain.
• The second exercise should be done maybe three times a day, and also has me starting seated upright. From there I lay my palm flat on the chair/bench/bed next to me and twist the hand outwards until the fingers are pointing as far backwards as is comfortable (while keeping the palm flat), then lean my head over to the right onto my shoulder. This causes instant sharp pain, too.

That’s it, really. And my pain management, sleeping reclined, etc, is to continue as normal. Then we’ll address it again in a week. In the meantime I’m to do nothing that uses my arms to much extent, so that means no archery, weight-lifting, motorcycling, shooting, etc. She did say that I could continue with the cardio part of my gym programme (perhaps substituting the run with a walk on the treadmilll) and even ride my pushbike if I want.

Shame there’s no magic pill or manipulation, really. Still, Tammy was confident this is permanently repairable, so it’s not like I’m going to have to live with constant pain or permanently-reduced mobility/activity.

Doctor’s appointment

Finally managed to see a doctor today, having rung on Friday to book an appointment. Frankly, Dr Smith is a stunning lady – definitely not your stereotypical doctor.

After giving the background about my shoulder, that I want it sorted ASAP for both work and archery, how parts of my left hand are seriously lacking in strength now (thumb, index and middle fingers), how I get a weird tingly feeling like bugs crawling over my shoulders and down my left arm, she thinks that I’ve somehow trapped or damaged my Median Nerve. This ties in with my earlier conviction that it was a nerve injury, or a flare up of my 1989 shoulder nerve injury.

The doctor recommended a physiotherapy appointment with a physiotherapist who works out of the surgery, so I’m now awaiting a callback.

As mentioned in my previous post, the doctor has advised against doing anything that puts demands on my left shoulder, arm or hand. So I’ll only put posts up here when I have news, rather than a string of “No X today because of shoulder”.

I also asked about why the outside of my left thigh goes numb after riding my bike, and it appears that it’s due to a nerve being trapped by a ligament near the crotch. It’s exacerbated by aggressive riding positions (my bike’s rider geometry is aggressive), tight riding trousers (mine can be tight if I don’t take care when getting on the bike), and by being overweight (hello!). So there’s another mystery solved.